lollylovesick (lollylovesick) wrote,

I have no idea if anyone will read/see this... but nevermind.
I just wanted to explain why I've just disappeared. Basically, my first year at the music academy in Oslo haven't gone that smooth. I didn't feel the "drive" I used to have in music anymore and the environment didn't help. My teacher told me my progress was to slow and that didn't exactly help things- I didn't feel any joy in playing anymore. Or in muisc at all. I wanted to write but felt I had nothing to give. I spent 5 hours a day in the practise rooms, but at least 3 I wasted on crying. Nothing was fun anymore and I just-- didn't have the energy for anything but reading. Which was a way to escape. I don't know, I guess it was the shock of moving away from friends/family/the amazing vibe at my old school/my boyfriend coupled with the stress of trying to "fit in" and be a good enough violist to feel that I deserved my place at this school.

My boyfriend has been accepted to do his masters (in music) at a school in the south of Sweden, which would make it even harder for us to meet and I don't know if I can do that. It's only when I've visited him that I feel that I can do this- practise, move forward and become a professional musician. I have applied for the university in Lund (a city in southern Sweden where I lived as a child) to study medicine. So maybe I'll become a doctor. I don't know. Both of my parents are doctors, and sometimes I'm afraid that the only reason I might want to do that is to satisfy them. But I don't think so. (Want to write so much more but don't have the time and I don't think anyone is interested.)


Since Christmas (when I travelled home for the first time and met my parents, my sisters and their boyfriends and my niece) for the first time in aaaaages) I've felt much better. And when I'm in a good place I can write. So I'm writing again. But it's not fanfiction, it's a novel. An idea I've had for years, that's never really abandoned. I guess I just want to say thank you to you, if you're reading, if you're one of the people that's encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you.

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