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I have no idea if anyone will read/see this... but nevermind.
I just wanted to explain why I've just disappeared. Basically, my first year at the music academy in Oslo haven't gone that smooth. I didn't feel the "drive" I used to have in music anymore and the environment didn't help. My teacher told me my progress was to slow and that didn't exactly help things- I didn't feel any joy in playing anymore. Or in muisc at all. I wanted to write but felt I had nothing to give. I spent 5 hours a day in the practise rooms, but at least 3 I wasted on crying. Nothing was fun anymore and I just-- didn't have the energy for anything but reading. Which was a way to escape. I don't know, I guess it was the shock of moving away from friends/family/the amazing vibe at my old school/my boyfriend coupled with the stress of trying to "fit in" and be a good enough violist to feel that I deserved my place at this school.

My boyfriend has been accepted to do his masters (in music) at a school in the south of Sweden, which would make it even harder for us to meet and I don't know if I can do that. It's only when I've visited him that I feel that I can do this- practise, move forward and become a professional musician. I have applied for the university in Lund (a city in southern Sweden where I lived as a child) to study medicine. So maybe I'll become a doctor. I don't know. Both of my parents are doctors, and sometimes I'm afraid that the only reason I might want to do that is to satisfy them. But I don't think so. (Want to write so much more but don't have the time and I don't think anyone is interested.)


Since Christmas (when I travelled home for the first time and met my parents, my sisters and their boyfriends and my niece) for the first time in aaaaages) I've felt much better. And when I'm in a good place I can write. So I'm writing again. But it's not fanfiction, it's a novel. An idea I've had for years, that's never really abandoned. I guess I just want to say thank you to you, if you're reading, if you're one of the people that's encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you.

Family Matters explanation

If anyone is wondering why I haven't finished Family Matters yet, it's because om many unfortunate things:

I had almost finished it. The rest of Regulus's chapters were practically written (in my notebook) as well as the last Barty chapter.

Then my laptop died.  Yes, it really died on me. Mother card burned out.

I managed to save almost everything over to my new laptop, but not the latest stuff. But that was okay too, because I have everything, every plot point planned, every draft, in my black notebook.

Then my beloved notebook disappeared a few weeks after I'd moved here. And I haven't had the energy to sit down and map everything out AGAIN, hoping the book would show up. It hasn't.

So. I'm going home this weekend (for my niece's baptism) and I hope I might find some stuff in my old room at home. Or on my parents' computer. Otherwise I'll have to just face the fact that my entire plan and several drafts for the last chapters are gone.

It shouldn't really put me off the way it does, because the number of times I've gone through the end of that story in my head I should know everything by heart really. I do. At least I think so.

But it just... it upsets me.

I will sit down, eventually, hopefully soon, and just get it done. It will be finished.

I'm sorry if anyone is still waiting/has given up on me but I hope this explains it.

(no subject)

I've been so busy these last few weeks- it's been really crazy. But things are starting to calm down now, so I'm hoping I'll be more active on here and no MNFF too. I just need to fix the internet connection at home (God, our house in fraking Oslo is HOME now), then I'll be back.

I'm on a school computer now, my second main instrument lesson ended about half an hour ago. It was great, My new teacher is great. I was hoping I'd get the other viola teacher here but I didn't, and it's fine, because the one I have is a fantastic pedagogue. The other one is one of the most famous violists in the world, and my last teacher had him while she was studying here at the academy 20 years ago, so she really wanted me to have him. She and her husband (who were our conducter at my last school) has texted me asking which teacher I got - which feels a bit weird and I have yet to reply... I do have some technical flaws to fix and my teacher is great for that, so I'm happy.

The bureocracy of this country is incredible. In the absolutely worst sense of the word. It's baffling.

Otherwise... I get along. It's tiring to have to listen so attentively all the time (to understand the Norwegian) and I'm trying not to let the elitism here get to me. I'm here for me only. The others can play their games, I won't have any part in it. I mean... it's a crazy world. Most of us here are hoping to become orchestra musicians, a profession that requires cooperation. Music is about communication between people. That's what it is. But, sadly, the orchestras are shrinking and quite frankly, when we're done here therw won't be work for everyone. It's business, and it's so hard, but we are competing for the same jobs. Psychological warfare isn't uncommon.

So every day on the bus on my way to school, I prepare myself, mentally, for starting the day. They have nothing to do with me, I tell myself. I am above all of that. If I tell myself this, I might start to believe it.

(no subject)

"Actors often have a shy personality, released counterphobically in conditions of performance."

Hah! I knew it! I knew I hadn't just made that up! Yay. (No one knows what I'm talking about.)

(no subject)

I have a few days off from work. Alone in Stockholm with nothing to do. Well. This tiny town is, after all, the biggest city in Sweden so if there's anything, anywhere in this country, to do then it should be here. But I'm almost broke. And if I go out I'll be obsessed with things to do or buy that I can't afford. Like going to a museum. Or buying that knitted sweater that I found at Monki the other day. But. I'm poor.

(The things is, I'm not, not really, because I've been saving up. But I need that money for the move to Norway, which makes it even harder. I have the money but I can't used it. Hell.)

Instead I'm lying on the couch in my Mum's one-room flat in central Stockholm, eating soured milk (blackcurrant flavour<3<3) and listening to Skrillex. (So sad that the dubstep-hype got overboard in a few months and now noone likes it anymore. I do.)

The TVs on in the background. So far I've half-watched Top Model, Project Runway and right now an American family are running into their newly built house on the screen. I'm only half-registering the screaming and sobbing and "OMG my room is so beautiful. Oh gosh it's so beautiful!" Yeah. Typical day off for me.

The thing is, I want to write.



Nothing. Ever. Gets. Finished.

This summer I've started several oneshots that I've written about 1k of, then lost interest. It's all just vignettes, there's no plot. It's all characterisation and weird phrasing and nothing happens. So I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that I'm probably not cut out to write. I don't have the ideas. All I can do is the embellishments. It's all flavour and to subsstance.

A list of all the unfinished oneshots I have:

* Remus with the werewolves (where he went in HBP) meeting a Legilimens and thinking about his relationships or non-relationships with Sirius (who is now dead, obviously) and Tonks.

* Lily/James. From Lily's perspective. It was supposed to show how she decides to take the world on, with James at her side. Contains a section where she's screaming her head off at James and Sirius for being irresponsible bastards and how the shoudl grow the fuck up, which was fun to write.

* Remus/Sirius.Possibly a prequel to the one mentioned above.

* Sirius, first person. Could be merged with the R/S. It's basically him being bad and a lot of fancy phrasing. No plot at all. But this is all I know how to do.

* Voldy. First person. Mythology and religion and science. Yeah.

* Narcissa. A lot of ice and snow similes. Ends with Draco's birth and how she feels warmth for the first time. (Yeah, that's sappy.)

I don't know. None of these will ever be finished, probably.

(no subject)

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?
Honestly, I have no idea. Every Christmas everyone in my family buy about 3 pocket books for each member of the family and then the books circulate and end up on *someone's* shelf and no one really knows who bought it originally or to whom. (I will never forget one Christmas when my Dad had bought the same book for my sister that she
gave him. He had already read it and loved it.)

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you'll read next?
Umm.... Here comes the embarassment AGAIN of never reading anything new- I'm probably just going to re-read stuff this summer. As usual. BUT I was by the pocket book shop the other day and seriously considered buying The Hunger Games and American Gods. Probably American Gods. I did like the THG movie but was kind of underwhelmed by the execution... Are the books better? Last read was probably Bunny Munro by Nick Cave. It was good.

I have to admit that despite the fact that I fancy myself as being pretty good at English (that's a lie, honestly I consider myself to be very good but, hey, I make mistakes on here all the time) I sometimes find it exhausting to read "difficult" English. I mean I have no problem with HP or most books really but for example thick Fantasy books with tons of very specific words (like for example "chaplets" or army terms) can be... annoying to read. And even though you know that the specific words probably doesn't matter it can ruin the experience. Like, the first book I read in English was OotP and I didn't really get how Sirius died. because I wasn't sure what "veil" meant. Then I read it in Swedish and I realised that it didn't matter anyway and then I was annoyed because I thought I hadn't understood.

3. Which book does everyone like and you hated?
The Pearl by John Steinbeck. I read it during the first year of secondary school (for Swedish class) when I was 16 I felt stupid for not liking it, because he was a Nobel Prize winner and my teacher completely gushed over him. I thought the metaphor was annoyingly obvious and I didn't like the message ether. I honestly don't think money corrupts (it might, but not as a rule) because then all rich people would be evil and they're not. I don't know, I guess I just don't like it when a book tries to hit me over the head with a high anf mighty message, because most of all, I read to be entertained and get swept away. Not to be taught moral lessons - that is what life is for. Because of this experience I haven't read anything else by Steinbeck. Should I?
4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you'll read, but you probably won't?
Umm, Dostoyevsky? (Is that how you spell it English). No, will probably read his works at some point. Jane Austen! And which Brontë wrote Jane Eyre? There was a series based on it that I watched a few years ago and since then I've never bothered because I know how it ends. Umm... I'm bad. I've been meaning to read what's it called!!! Argh. I'm thinking Back to cold Mountain for some reason but I know it's not that :P By Emily Waugh/Vaugh? Anyone knows what I'm talking about? Anyway, I probably will save these for retirement so... The one's I'll probably never read are the endless amounts of Christmas pocket books that I mentioned before.

5. Which book are you saving for "retirement?"
Probably everything by Austen, the Brontë sisters, Dostoyevsky. And you know, all the overlong fantasy series. Anna Karenina. My first love read it for Swedish class when we were seventeen and called it "reality TV of the 19th century".
6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?
Ha, not since I was... several years younger. 
7. Acknowledgments: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?
I like them. Unless they're too self-indulgent (which mine would probably be, if I ever had anything published.)
8. Which book character would you switch places with?
No idea, honestly. I tend to like stories that put their characters through a lot of pain so none, I guess.
9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)?
God, yes. All the HP books. I remember waiting for the next one to be released and arrive in the mail. I remember each and every one of them... My dad read me PS when I was 8 and DH was released a few days before I turned 16 so I really did grow up with Harry.
Seriously, if I answered this question properly I'd never finish.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?
I wanted to give Kallocain to my Dad for Christmas. I couldn't find it, so I gave him a dystopian book by Maragret Atwood that I had just read for English class, instead. Can't remember what it's called.

I'm planning to give The Neverending Story to my boyfriend when he turns 25 in August. He's mentioned that he loved the movie as a child but has never read the book. I've never watched the movie but the book was one of my absolute favourite stories for years.. It probably still is, I just haven't read it in a while.
12. Which book has been with you to the most places?
HP, really.

13. Any "required reading" you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later?
Haha, no! Possibly Lord of the Flies which I, at 14, thought was too obvious with the symbolism. I found it much better when we read it for English class in secondary school (I was 18, then.)

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?
Bread crumbs in my Swedish copy of PoA. I couldn't stop reading it, so I brought the book to the table, reading while eating. I was 9.

'15. Used or brand new?
Brand new. Like Soraya, I love making them old myself.
16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses?
Haha! Probably somewhere in-between. I find his style charming (don't know what else to call it, really) but he's no genius.

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?
Lord of the Rings. My dad read me Bilbo, which I loved, so I was really looking forward reading the trilogy. Barely made it through. The movies work better, I think, because of the different structure. There's just so much of Frodo and Sam walking around I can take at a time, and unlike the books the movie's structure gave us that. Breaks.
18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid?
HP! Okay, okay, I don't hate the movies, but they're not the real thing to me. And I loved Harry's whining! It made him so much more real to me. Which 15-year-old with his, at times rather shitty, life wouldn't be angsty?

symphony orchestra week

It's Symphony Orchestra Week this week- my favourite time of the term.

We're doing Brahms 1st symphony (which is so damn complex and hard to get right, rhythmically) and are rehearsing 6.5 hours a day. Which I just love, but it's exhausting, both physically and mentally. I get so high off playing, and then I crash about an hour later.  

But it's honestly the most fun I ever have.

When we're playing music that complex, it's like taming a dragon, and at the end of the week it's perhaps not perfect but if we have managed to tighten it up somewhat, and, you know, make ***real music*** instead of just playing the notes- it's like... I don't know. It's like the truest form of communication. You can catch someone's eye in the middle of phrase and move together so that you know that "okay, we're doing it THIS way", and you show it with your body, how to phrase it, and you just GET each other, even if you're barely friends outside rehearsal.

It's sad how long it's between the Symphony weeks because they always remind me of why I'm doing this- why it's worth it. I mean this is what it's about- playing music together.

And my parents might come a watch the concert which makes me so happy. My mother has visited once and seen one concert, but I really want my dad to come. He's the one who plays and "gets" classical music and I want to dissect the whole thing with him.

Last night

The Spring Ball was last night and it was really great. Boyfriend is out of town, preparing to compete for our school in the SMASK final (which is a very sarcastic version of the Eurovision Song Contest, where ridiculous songs are written and performed by students from the different music academies) so I went "single" to a party for the first time in ages. It was fun. I'm very happy with my relationship, but it's so nice to go to a party on your own and have some fun with your friends every once in a while.

We had a three-course dinner at a restaurant in town, then took the bus back to school, where I and three others played wiener waltzes quite badly (we were already almost drunk at that point, but people got to dance, which they appreciated I think) in return for four free beers each from the school pub.

I danced in high heels for the first time in almost a year, I think. My legs and feet are punishing me for it today. As usual I spent almost all my time with my male friends- I don't know why, I just get along better with boys.

Woke up at 11 when the alarm went off, reminding me that it was my turn to clean the school. 20 were assigned to do this party but only 8 turned up. But it was okay. I actually like the post party cleanings. You spend with people you barely talk to otherwise, which is nice.

Then we ordered pizza and watched hockey. Slovakia defeated Canada. How about that.

(There's no point to this at all, sorry.)